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Consent Non Consent and Kinky Play

November 22nd, 2018

What is consent? 

Easy enough to answer, see for yourself here.

Lets have a look at this definition:

Permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

In the former portion of the definition we have an equaling antonym-like synonym phrase of: “Requirement for something NOT to happen“; and, in the latter we have the same kind of antonym-like phrase: “an agreement NOT to do something“.

Each pair, in my opinion define Consent, and Non Consent decently.

Non Consensual, for the purposes of this article will be defined as anything overstepping basic rights and assumptions to personal space. And/or of personal belongings. And/or the breaking of permission or agreement (Consent) or by any act overstepping Non Consent.

Consensual being an act on consent. 

Some things to know:

  • Consent can be withdrawn. It can be removed in the next second after being given. Meaning: Something that was consensual can at anytime become non consensual even without word or warning. This is complicated and I will touch more on withdrawn consent later.
  • Non consent can be a fetish. And it can be consensual. More on CNC (Consensual Non Consent) later.
  • Something non consensual can become a fetish. Being the creator of a non consensual fetish is *generally not a good thing. However, this says nothing about who is expressing themselves through re-creation (recreational or otherwise). More on non consensual fetish later. *“generally”, intelligent beings can also gain interests by means other than trauma and/or experience around trauma.

Is there a process to withdrawing consent? Are there forms to fill out? Signatures required? A shaved head or a tanned ass to pay? A waiting period?

~ Made up questions by the author.

Absolutely NOT. No matter any contract. Written, verbal or otherwise.

You might be asking yourself: So then what is the purpose of giving consent?

Lets say Betty and her {insert dating app name} partner, Frank are planning a play session involving massage. The agreement is full body anywhere massage, no penetration (into any of those places considered “internal”).

Betty spreads out on the table and everything is going well until … Frank touches her neck.

Now. For some internally explained or unexplained reason Betty needs THAT to stop. NOW.

Betty is well within every right to change her stance on the agreed consent.

Get it? Consent. Along with its accompanying, Non Consent. Is/are communication tool/s. A well designed and handy tool when bound together. Kind of like the banging end of a hammer and its prying end. Communication being the handle.

But… But… I’m expected to keep within the boundaries of the agreed consent, shouldn’t Betty have to as well?

~ Frank (made up character)

To be frank, Frank: Fuck the fuck up you shut up. 

Really though. No. “Betty’s” consent is and always will be something that can be withdrawn in the terms of kink-bdsm-fetish and that of the vanilla (non-kink, social norm) communities at large. Whether you’re a ‘freak’ in the dungeon or have a propendency toward the norm; abuse is exactly that, abuse. The expectation or enforcement of one individual over another to to forgo their consent in a non consensual way is abuse, or might lead to abuse in the case of uncorrected misunderstandings, like Franks above. 

So what happens if Betty couldn’t or didn’t for some reason voice her objections to her neck being touched? I would still be an abuser?

~ Frank (still our made up character)

Let’s hope Betty doesn’t take that stance.

These kinds of situations can be fraught with emotions and anxieties. However, under these circumstances every effort should be made by Betty to communicate (by any means) with Frank regarding the incident. The sooner the better. And hopefully before doing something like a future meetup. A good general rule for Frank and Betty. Take notes. Communicate and learn. 

In our example above lets say Betty never discussed with Frank her newfound limit. Would this be considered consensual non consent, to continue meeting up with no word of the discomfort?

Not at all, this kind of situation would be something more akin to reverse discrimination. Frank is not consenting to the non consent nor any kind of possible buyers remorse. 

So what is this CNC (Consensual Non Consent) fetish play catch phrase about? How can you consent to non consent?

Mind Fucking A Fucking Mind

“I wasn’t sure that there were really people who cared about consent and also did mind fucking, so what’s the point of saying no?”

@TBD_ Anonymous, friend of author.

The fetish of playing with emotions or the mind. This is quite a large leap up the ladder for an example but sound and resounding.

How does one consent to having their emotions played with? Or to having their mind twisted pushed or paved in varying scales of manipulation. How do they know to what they are consenting?

It seems redundant but the answer is quite simply: There’s an agreement. Communication will always be on the table. Talking and listening and functioning with a reasonable expectation of understanding in how your partner is absorbing the information being given to them. On both ends of the fuck. 

These kinds of relationships; in the authors opinion, require a strong bond and an equal desire between partners for the strong emotional responses this kind of play can create. 

Consensual non consent extends to many different types of interests. Mind fuckery is only one expression.

Being locked in a room, chained to a floor, starved and abused used and beaten. This sounds edgy, but there are those who think, well, what happens between all that? – This is where consensual non consent comes in handy (like that hammer I was talking about).


Well. Its after midnight. I, the author of this here article am tired. There is much more to be said, or so says my sleepy head. But it’s time to go to bed. 

Hopefully something here makes sense. 

Remember folks, 

Abuse is not fetish nor bdsm nor kink nor vanilla.

Communicate with your partners about not only yourself, but also them. Be positive. Have reasonable and reasoned expectations.

Appreciate your partner. Don’t only take pride from the hard stuff, express pride. 

Goodnight, and love. 

Keep it kinky. @Virile

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